2013 first post.

I am still lost. As lost as ever.
I need to find back that lost me. I realise, i've lost the strength to be happy from within anymore. This emoness is drowning me, knowing it's gonna be really bad if it goes on but i can't seems to get out of it. There is still happy moments, but it seems so temporary.

But when did this start getting this worst. Was it from the moment the daddy i know was gone and never coming back. Was it from not being able to be amazing like i want to be, to be able to express myself as freely and be the popular kid everyone want to be around with. It always hurts when ppl say - you are a leo? u don't seems to possess the attributes. Or was it already 22 and still not able to define what i want in life, finding the best of work, studies and personal life, just not able to get anything right, procastinating like there is always tomorrow.....and more.

Or, was it all?

But i guess dad part dealt the most damage to me, i just don't feel life is complete anymore.


And...why do i still feel infected, when random things now and then raise my memories and affects me. When sometimes the feelings seems to still lingers. When all sorts of things reflects you, when a sentence i type is what you might have said, or it's what you have taught me. This status of me, holds me back...that explains my waver-ness, if there's ever this word. i think i need more time. give me more time.

Sure hope 2013 brings me a new start, no, not hope, i need to, need to start afresh. need to learn to let go, to stop tormenting myself. Count the blessings, be positive, be confident. To pull and not push. and and and to be more healthy....Just a little more motivations.

I promise the start of 2014 would be a happy post. I will take this 1 year to find myself back. Till then.